Funny Jokes in English

Funny Jokes in English

 Funny Jokes in English – this article is going to give you a variety of Funny Jokes with commas, words, Bernard Shaw’s witty conversations, class room jokes, riddles etc.,

 1. Funny Jokes in English With Commas

 

A comma can decide the fate of an accused

Leave him, not hang him.

Leave him not, hang him.

 

A comma can save the life of  Grandma

Let’s eat, grandma.

Let’s eat grandma.

 

A comma can tell us the work progress

Go slow, work is in progress.

Go, slow work is in progress.

 

A comma can save the life of pets and friends

I love cooking, my pets and my friends.

I love, cooking my pets and my friends.

 

 A comma can decide the importance of Man or Woman

A Teacher of English wrote the following on the board and asked the students to punctuate it.

 

“Woman without her man is nothing”.

Boys wrote

“Woman, without her man, is nothing”.

Girls wrote

“Woman! Without her, man is nothing”.

 

 2. Funny Jokes in English With Words 

 

Psychotherapist

Psycho  the  rapist

 

Attendance

At  ten   dance

 

Manslaughter

Man’s  laughter

 

Misunderstand

Mis  under  stand

 

Together

To  get  her

 

Weather

We  at  her

 

Funny  Joke in English : The D.E.O., is going to visit:

The teacher in the class got an important notice from the principal and wrote the same on the board to alert the students.

“The respected D.E.O., is going to inspect the classes today”. Be attentive

When the teacher left the class the boys removed the letter c form the word classes in the sentence

it becomes        ‘lasses’

After a while the girls removed the letter l from the word classes in the sentence.

then it becomes    ‘asses’

Now the sentence looks like

“The respected DEO is going to inspect the asses today”. Be attentive.

 

Funny  Joke in English: The Viceroy Passed Away:

Once, a British Viceroy was travelling in India in a train. So the higher authority gave strict instructions to all the station masters to be vigilant and they should send a telegram immediately after the viceroy passed from that particular railway station. Those days his safety was given highest priority.

The train just left the Kazipet station and headed towards Khammam

Then it was duty of the Kazipet Station Master to report it to the authorities.  Then he sent a telegram:

“The Viceroy has just passed away safely“.

 

A Funny Story Of A Sincere Apology

A man received a message from his neighbour…

 

“Sorry sir,

I am using your wife

day and night…

when you are not present at home…

In fact, much more than you do.

I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty.

Hope you will accept my sincere apologies”.

 

The man is down with a heart attack.

  

A few minutes later, he received another message:  

“Sorry sir, a spelling mistake… 

 * I meant wifi.”

 

Moral of  the story: Please check spellings before sending…

 

3.George Bernard Shaw – Witty Humour

George Bernard Shaw’s creation of GHOTI for FISH

 

If the gh sound in enough is pronounced as f &

the o in women makes the short “i” sound &

the ti in nation is pronounced as “sh

then the word

“ghoti”

is pronounced just like

 “fish”

 

George Bernard Shaw – Will you marry me?

George Bernard Shaw was once approached by a young actress who whispered him in his ear:

Will it be wonderful if we get married and have a child with my beauty and your brains?’

George Bernard Shaw who was hardly a handsome man replied:

‘My dear, that will be wonderful indeed, but what if our child has my beauty and your brains?’

The actress who did not need much persuasion just sped off.

 

Winston Churchill and George Bernard Shaw

Winston Churchill and George Bernard Shaw both were well-known for their witty sense of humor.

George Bernard Shaw playfully telegrammed Winston Churchill just prior to the opening of his new play, offering Churchill tickets to the show.

The telegrams went as follows:

 

Bernard Shaw to Churchill:

 “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of the new play; bring a friend…                       if you have one.”

Churchill responded as:

 “Cannot possibly attend the first show: will attend the second, ….                                               if there is any.”

 

Bernard Shaw and G K Chesterton

George Bernard Shaw and Gilbert Keith Chesterton were world famous literary giants. Chesterton was short and round, Shaw tall and thin. Both often used to detest each other.

One day they both approached a narrow alley in London from either end.

Normally, one waits at one’s end for the other to pass, because two persons can’t cross without discomfort.

Each saw the other, but advanced, face-to-face midway, glaring but without a word.

As he brushed past, GK Chesterton bellowed, “I don’t give way to fools.” Quick was Shaw’s whisper: “But I do.”

 

4. Funny Jokes in English with verb+“ing” (Double Meaning)

 

I don‘t like confusing teachers.

Here it may mean that teachers get confused by themselves

or they may confuse others

 

Gardens can be improved by growing plants.

Here it may mean that plants that are growing or

making plants grow

 

5. Confusing English Conversation

(Funny Jokes in English with confusing English conversation)

 

Hello, are you there?

Yes, who are you please?

I’m Watt.

What’s your name?

Watt’s my name.

Yes, what’s your name?

My name is John Watt.

John what?

Yes, are you Jones?

No I’m Knott.

Will you tell me your name then?

Will Knott.

Why not?

My name is Knott.

Not what?

Not Watt, Knott.

What?

6. If Student Makes a Mistake

(Funny Jokes in English when a student makes a mistake)

 

 

If a barber makes a mistake, it’s a new style.

If a politician makes a mistake, it’s a new law.

If a scientist makes a mistake, it’s a new invention.

If a tailor makes a mistake, it’s a new fashion.

If a teacher makes a mistake, it is a new theory.

If a student makes a mistake, it’s a “MISTAKE”…

 

7. Funny Jokes in English – Phrases With The Use Of Oxymorons:

(Oxymoron is a figure of speech in which two opposite ideas are joined to create an effect)

Cruel Kindness

 Living Death

 Known Secrets

 Deafening Silence

 Bitter Sweet 

Clearly Misunderstood

 Exact Estimate

 Small Crowd

 Act Naturally

 Found Missing

 Fully Empty

 Pretty Ugly

 Seriously Funny

 Only Choice

 Happily Married

 

8. Funny Jokes in English with Homographs:

(When each of two or more words spelled the same but not necessarily pronounced the same and having different meanings and origins is called a homograph.)

 

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

 

9. Funny Classroom Jokes in English – Teacher and Pupil 

 

1.Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

Maria: OK Miss. Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

Class: Maria!

 

2.Teacher: Why are you late, Frank?

Frank: Because of the sign.

Teacher: What sign?

Frank: The one that says: school ahead, go slow.

 

3.Teacher: John, why are you doing your multiplication sums on the floor?

John: Because you told me to do them without tables!

 

4.Teacher: Hassan, do you spell, ‘crocodile’?

Hassan: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-l-L.

Teacher: No, that’s wrong!

Hassan: Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it and that’s how I spell it!

 

5.Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?

Mena: No Miss, he did it all by himself.

 

6. Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence beginnirag with ‘I’

Millie: I is..

Teacher: No, Millie! Always say I am…

Millie: Ok. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

 

7.Teacher: George Washington chopped down his father’s cherry tree. Now, Lewis, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

Lewis: Because he was still holding the axe.

 

8.Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me the truth. Do you always say your prayers before your meals?

Simon: No sir, it’s not necessary, my mom is a good cook.

 

9.Teacher: Rado, your essay,’My Dog’, is exactly the same as your brother’s! Did you copy him or did he copy you?

Rado: No sir, it’s the same dog.

 

10.Teacher: Matthew, what do you call a person who keeps talking when nobody is listening to?

Matthew: A teacher!

 

11. Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?

Louise: HIJKLMNO

Teacher: No! What are you talking about, silly girl!

Louise: Yesterday, you said it was H to O!

 

12.Teacher: Hey Peter, wake up! You know you can’t sleep in my class!

Peter: I know, but maybe if you were a bit quieter…

 

13.Victor: You would’t punish me for something I didn’t do, would Sir?

Teacher: No, of course not!

Victor: Oh good, because I didn’t do my homework.

 

14.Teacher: Where is your home work?

Jack: I haven’t got it, Miss. I lost it while I was fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school!

 

15. Teacher: All idiots, stand up! (Jimmy stands up)

Teacher: So, Jimmy, you are an idiot, are you?

Jimmy: No Miss, I just couldn’t bear to see you standing there all alone!

 

16. Teacher: (pointing) Name me pronouns!

Fred: Me or her?

Teacher: Correct!

 

10. Funny Jokes in English in Letter Writing

An employee applied for leave in the following manner

‘Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.’

 

An employee who is going to perform the ‘mundan’ ceremony of his 10 year old son

‘as I want to shave my son’s head, please leave me for two days..’

 

an employee who is going to perform his daughter’s wedding

‘as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave.’

an employee who is going to perform rituals

‘As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.’

 

One applied for a leave letter

‘I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday.’ 

 

A leave letter to the headmaster by a student

‘As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today’

 

Covering note is written like

‘I am enclosed herewith…’

Applying for a leave

‘My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave’.

A friend wrote a letter

‘I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.’

A candidate applying for a job 

‘This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘ Typist and an Accountant – Male or Female’… As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

 

 11. Funny Jokes in English – Riddles

Q: Where do you go in through one hole and come out through two holes at the same time

A: By putting on your trousers.

 

Q: Peter’s smart phone fell into a big mug of coffee but didn’t get wet. How was this possible?

A: It was coffee powder.

 

Q: The more you take from me, the greater I become. What am I?

A: A hole.

 

Q: I have 4 legs but never run. What am I?

A: A chair.

 

Q: Do you know what you can hold without ever touching it?

A: A conversation.

 

Q: How many sides are there to a circle?

A: Two. The inside and the outside.

 

Q: The harder you hit me, the greater I become. What am I?

A: A crater.

 

Q: What can answer in any language? What can speak without a mouth? What can sing without an ear?

A: An echo.

 

Q:What’s as big as an elephant but weighs 0 kg?

A: The elephant’s shadow.

 

Q: If you feed me, I live. If you give me a drink, I die. What am I?

A: Fire.

 

 Q: What is yours, but is used much more often by your friends?

A: Your name.

 

Q: What has two legs but cannot walk?

A: A pair of trousers.

 

Q: What stays in the corner all the time but travels around the world?

 A: Stamps.

 

Q: What was the world’s highest mountain before the discovery of Mount Everest?

 

A: The Mount Everest

(it doesn’t matter whether people discovered it or not, it was the highest mountain even before that!)

 

Q: A pink girl with a pink dress, a pink cat, a pink hat and pink walls lives in a pink bungalow. What color are her stairs?

A: There are no stairs in a bungalow.

 

Q: What disappears the second you start talking about it?

A: Silence.

 

Q: What word do all dictionaries spell wrong?

A: Wrong.

 

Q: How many seconds are there in a year?

A: Twelve. Second of January, second of February…

 

Q: What can you see twice in a week, once in every year – but not once in million months?

A: The letter E.

 

Q. Where does Friday always come before Thursday?

A: In a dictionary.

 

Question: What has three ways out and just one way in?

Answer: A T-shirt!

 

Q: You had 20 men build your house in two months. How long would it take 10 men to build the very same house?

A: Zero seconds. The house was already built by the 20 men.

 

Q: What goes up when the water comes down?

A: An umbrella.

Q: Maybe I can hear everything but you’ll never hear me say a word. Who am I?

A: Your ear.

 

Q: When you take 2 out of 3 apples away, how many apples do you have?

A: The 2 apples you’ve taken with you.

 

Q: A man goes out in heavy rain with nothing to protect him from it. His hair doesn’t get wet. How does he do that?

A: He is bald.

 

Q: What table can you eat?

A: A vegetable.

 

Q: What only runs and never walks, what has a mouth and never eats, and has a bed but never sleeps?

A: A river.

 

Q: On which side do chickens have the most feathers?

A: On the outside.

 

Q: What’s got feathers but no wings?

A: Your pillow

 

Q: What spends all the time on the floor but never gets dirty?

A: Your shadow.

 

Q: What is the longest word in the English language?

A: Smiles. There’s a whole mile between the two Ss.

 

Q: In what glasses shouldn’t you pour apple juice?

A: The already full ones.

 

Q: When can a man walk on water?

A: When the water gets really cold.

 

Q: What question can never be answered with a yes?

A: Are you asleep? (or Are you dead?)

 

A: Who earns money without working a single day?

Q: The night watchman.

 

Q: There are 10 birds sitting on a power line. A hunter shoots two of them, how many birds are left still sitting there?

A: None, they all took off after the loud bang of the shot.

 

Q: Why do people build new houses?

A: Because it’s impossible to build old houses.

 

Q: What goes swimming with you but never gets wet?

A: Your shadow.

 

Q: What nails are a pain to hammer into wood?

A: Your finger nails.

 

Q: Which lion is a very good swimmer?

A: The sea-lion.

 

Q: What question do you always have to answer with “Yes”?

A: How to spell the word YES.

 

Q: How many months in the year have 28 days?

A: All of them.

 

Q: What is at the center of Earth?

 A: An R. (ea R th)

 

Q: Who eats a lot of iron without getting sick?

A: The rust.

 

Q: When a child is going to school for the first time, where will it sit?

A: Nowhere, it is still going.

 

Q:. What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it?

A: teapot.

 

Q: What 8 letter word has one letter in it?

A: Envelope.

 

Q: What do snakes write at the bottom of their letters?

A: With love and hisses.

 

Q: What does an envelope say when you lick it?

A: Nothing, it just shuts up.

 

Q: How does a ghost start a letter?

A: Tomb it may ever concern.

 

Q: Where do ghosts mail their letters?

A: The Ghost Office.

 

Q: Where do you post letters to boys?

A: In a mail (male) box

 

Riddles with Alphabet

Funny Jokes in English with riddles

 

Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?

A: B. (bee)

 

Q: What letter is a part of the head?

A: I. (eye)

 

Q: What letter is a drink?

A: T. (tea)

 

Q: What letter is a body of water?

A: C. (sea)

 

Q: What letter is a pronoun like “you”?

A: The letter ” I “

 

Q: What letter is a vegetable?

A: P. (pea)

 

Q: What letter is an exclamation?

A: O. (oh!)

 

Q: What letter is a European bird?

A: J. (Jay)

 

Q: What letter is looking for causes ?

A: Y. (why)

 

Q: What four letters frighten a thief?

A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)

 

Q: In what way can the letter “A” help a deaf lady?

A: It can make “her” “hear.

 

Q: Which is the loudest vowel?

A: The letter “I”. It is always in the midst of noise

 

Q: What way are the letter “A” and “noon” alike?

A: Both of them are in the middle of the “day”.

 

Q: Why is “U” the happiest letter?

A: Because it is in the middle of “fun”.

 

Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?

A: Alphabet = (26 letters)

 

Q: What relatives are dependent on “you”?

A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need “U”.

 

Funny Quotes and Sayings

 

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” —Mark Twain

 

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

 

“One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.” —George W. Bush

 

Always remember: you’re unique, just like everyone else.

 

The road to success is always under construction.

 

Where there is a “will,” there are 500 relatives.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

 

Death is hereditary.

 

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

 

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

 

If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

 

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

 

Well-behaved women rarely make history.

 

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

 

We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police.

 

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

It is not my fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!

 

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “Y” becomes silent.

 

A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice.

 

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

 

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

 

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

 

When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

 

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

 

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

 

Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people.

 

I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.

 

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, age don’t matter.

 

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

 

Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

 

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

 

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

 

I got a gun for my wife—best trade I’ve ever made.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

 

Beauty is a light switch away . . .

 

The evening news is where they start by saying “good evening,” and proceed by telling you why it’s not.

 

God created the world, everything else is made in China.

 

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.

 

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

 

Practice doesn’t make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.

 

You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

 

Error. No keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

 

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

   

This sentence is a lie.

 

Change is good, but dollars are better.

 

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs harder.

 

You laugh because I’m different, I laugh because I just farted!

 

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door!

 

There’s no ‘I’ in team, but there is in ‘win.’

 

Those who criticize our generation seem to forget who raised it!

 

Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!

 

Source: Internet

 Also read:

 

Idioms in English

How to read long words in English

Reduplicatives in English

Onword substitutions in English

Wedding Anniversaries

Mania Words in English

List of Common Phobias in English

Binomials in English

Blend words in English

Figures of Speech in English

Palindromes in English Language

Pangrams in English Language

Spoonerisms in English Language

Vowel Words in English